Lindsay Bradish

Writer

Portfolio

Koli bacteria

Olympics Coverage

A sketch where bacteria and viruses compete for olympic glory.

Daytime TV

A character monologue of a woman who home-schools a little differently.

End of the Hall

A web series about two ex-pats living in Singapore trying to solve the mystery at the end of the hall.

Niceguysonly.com

A commercial parody for a new dating app for Nice Guys (TM)

Headphones

The Zune

A character monologue from an inadequate, bitter Zune mp3 player.

Shrunk

An original 30-minute pilot about a child psychiatrist struggling to grow up.

The Key to my Hap-penis

A live storytelling performance of what makes me happy.

Sky Bar

A review of a bar operating without a liquor license.

My Grandma's Organ

An ad trying to sell a musical instrument.

About

I'm a recent New York transplant with degrees in Communications (BA – University of Wisconsin) and Dramatic Writing (MFA – NYU Tisch). I specialize in comedy, screenwriting, sketch writing, and character development. I love pop culture, trivia, television in all its forms, and think there’s nothing greater than a cat wearing a tiny hat.

Contact Me


Copyright © Lindsay Bradish

Olympics Coverage

Ext. Sports desk - day
Two commentators, NAN and FRANK, wear yellow biohazard suits and sit at a desk in front of a row of port-a-potties.
Frank
Welcome back to Web MD’s Olympics coverage. We’re reporting live from the Pepto-Bismol Pavilion in beautiful Rio de Janeiro.
Jan
Yes, the home of the 2016 Olympic Games where the fiercest bacteria, viruses, and other diseases are competing for world domination.
Frank
We’ve seen some amazing performances so far, like Dysentery’s world record bathroom session.
INSERT: A Referee with a stopwatch outside of a bathroom.
Frank
He must’ve been fueling up at the Olympic Village Mess Hall. Ha ha, I kid.
Jan
But we’ve also had some upsets. Crabs didn’t even make it out of the STI semi-finals despite hoping to medal in the Curables All-Around.
Frank
Indeed. He was hoping the global rise in feminism and body autonomy would increase the amount of pubic hair present.
INSERT: Women wearing bikinis on Copacabana Beach.
Frank
But nope. No pubes here in Brazil.
Jan
And let’s not forget HIV’s shocking absence at these games.
2.
Frank
That’s right, Jan. A strong competitor since Los Angeles in ‘84, modern medicine has made HIV seem feeble compared to the powerhouse it once was.
JAN
Don’t get us wrong. It wins gold medals every year in the Subsaharan Africa Goodwill Games, but HIV felt it wasn’t in top fighting shape this year.
Frank
But you know who is here ready to win? This year’s olympic darling: Zika.
JAN
Yes, let’s take a closer look at Zika’s journey.
Ext. zika forest - day
Close up of mosquitos hovering over a shallow puddle.
Narrator (V.O.)
Born to working class mosquito parents in Uganda in 1947, Zika lived a humble life. For the longest time, he was considered a mild virus that wouldn’t amount to much.
Int. Sports arena - day
Vintage footage. Petri dishes are lined up on a judging table. Zika is awarded a participation ribbon.
NaRRATOR (V.O.)
He couldn’t hold a candle to others in his country like Yellow and Dengue Fevers.
Ext. Carnival parade - day
An exuberant scene of dancers and color.
3.
Narrator (V.O.)
It wasn’t until Zika, forced out of Uganda and looking for work abroad that he realized his true strength--
Ext. Copacabana beach - day
A portly man sunbathes while holding an aluminum reflector.
Narrator (V.O.)
And found the right coaching in Alexei Nikulichev, a Russian tourist visiting Brazil.
ALEXEI smacks a buzzing mosquito on the side of his face.
Int. Lab - day
A RESEARCHER in a white lab coat talks to the camera.
Researcher
I’ve never seen a virus as efficient as Zika. His execution is something to behold. And the fact that he can transfer to unborn babies? It really makes him a top contender.
Alexei, wearing a jogging suit, blows a whistle at a petri dish behind the researcher.
INSERT: MAGNIFIED CELLS OF ZIKA VIRUS
NaRRATOR (V.O.)
It was at this point that Brazil realized they may have a winner on their hands--just in time for the Rio Games. And with that, Zika renounced his Ugandan citizenship and began competing under the Brazilian flag.
Ext. Sports desk - day
Jan is dabbing at tears in her eyes.
Jan
These games always get me crying. First, it was the opening ceremonies and now this.
4.
Frank
Indeed. That tribute to the eradicated diseases was breathtaking.
INSERT: Interpretive dancers wearing signs like “EBOLA”, “SMALL POX”, and “SARS” perform.
Frank
Brazil is bringing its A-game this year. Zika isn’t the hometown hero this year.
JAN
True. You always expect the host country to do well, but they’ve outdone themselves. The waterborne viruses that have been training in Guanabara Bay are expected to perform a hat trick on the podium.
Frank
Cryptosporidium, Vibrio, and Hepatitis are all the favorites to medal.
Jan
It looks like we’re going to be seeing a lot of diarrhea routines tonight! I can’t wait!
FRANK
But first, we’ll head over to the qualifying rounds for the ‘Infectious Diseases’. Where Measles, now competing for Team USA, is hoping to start an outbreak at a Brazilian day care center.
JAN
Along with an exclusive interview with his coach, Jenny McCarthy.
BLACKOUT.

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End of the Hall

A web series I co-created in Singapore about two ex-pats, inspired by True Detective and living in Singapore, trying to solve the mystery at the end of the hall.

Episode 1: It's a Dead Body!


Episode 2: It's an Ah-Long! (directed by me)


Episode 3: It's a Brothel! (written by me)

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Daytime TV

Int. Kitchen - day
DEBRA, a middle-aged woman, smokes at her kitchen table.
Debra
Look, Gina, this is the third time you’ve come over this semester trying to sell me these home school textbooks. I don’t need ‘em! What do I use for curriculum?
Debra slams down a remote control on the table.
Debra
This is all the curriculum I need. Everything my kids need to learn is on daytime TV. Once you get one of those digital antennas it’s free, easy, and always stays current. I bet you can’t say the same for those moldy old books, Gina. Oh? You doubt me? Take a look at my academic calendar.
Debra presents a TV Guide.
Debra
At 8am school starts with adjunct professors Willie Geist and Savannah Guthrie from the Today Show Academy. They teach current events. Yes, there’s a bit of fluff, but it’s the first class of the day! Give me a break! After that we head over to CBS for math class with The Price is Right. When have you ever had to solve for X in the real world, Gina? Yeah, never, that’s what I thought. My kids are learning how to budget and they know exactly how much they need to save to get that Ashley Furniture living room set for Mother’s Day.
Next we have physical education with Tony Little. They hop on the Gazelle right along with Tony--which I got for only six easy payments of 19.99 and by the end of that half-hour infomercial their blood is pumping real good. What do your kids do? Ride their bikes around the subdivision? Please. You know what, I challenge your kids to a speed-walking competition and then we’ll see who has the better gym class.
2.
After gym class it’s time for English with the good folks over at General Hospital. Now, I’ll agree with you, this one is a bit unorthodox, but those Port Charles folks have the best diction. And if my kids end up talking like Sonny Corinthos, well, I wouldn’t be ashamed of that. Yes, he’s in the mob, but he’s a good man! And he always uses proper English!
Just as General Hospital is wrapping up we switch over to Dr. Phil for psychology class. A doctor teaching my kids. Do you have that, Gina? Sometimes the topics are controversial but it has real world applications! I certainly know my kids won’t be swindled out of twenty thousand dollars from a Moroccan catfish. Can you say the same about your little Brittany? She’s got rube written all over her face. So Gina you can take your fundamentals of phonics or whatever the hell you’re trying to sell me and shove it. I know that money just goes to your jewelry making business. No one wants beaded cross necklaces, Gina! No one! I bet they’re not even sanctioned by the church.
The ‘dun-dun’ sound from Law and Order chimes.
DEBRA
And there’s the bell. It’s time for Criminal Justice. Jebediah! Francine! Get your notebooks!
BLACKOUT.

Close

Niceguysonly.com

Ext. park - day
SPOKESMAN, fedora-wearing and neckbeard-having, holds a microphone up to VERONICA.
Spokesman
What do you look for in a man?
Veronica
Someone who’s funny and sweet and kind. You know, the usual.
SPOKESMAN
What if I told you there was a place to meet thousands of men who fit that criteria on niceguysonly.com?
VERONICA
No thanks. I prefer to meet people in person.
SPOKESMAN
You’re not worth it anyway.
Ext. City street - day
Spokesman talks with CLAIRE.
SpokESMAN
Tell me about the men you’ve been meeting.
Claire
Nothing’s really worked out, but what do you expect from online dating?
SPOKESMAN
That’s because you’re not using the best dating app: Niceguysonly.com.
Spokesman hands Claire his phone.
2.
SERIES OF SHOTS
--Photo of a man brandishing a large sword, swipes to:
--Photo of a man at a Brony Convention, swipes to:
--Six photos in a row of only slightly varying horribly lit selfies of a man from a webcam.
Claire
Why are the only options for swiping “yes” and “maybe”?
SPOKESMAN
Because nice guys will never take no for an answer.
The phone is bombarded by dozens of incoming messages.
CLAIRE
I think I’ll stick with Tinder.
SPOKESMAN
You would. Slut.
Ext. Dog park - day
Spokesman interviews ASHLEY, a woman with a dog.
Spokesman
Are you single?
Ashley
No, I’m married. That’s him over there.
Ashley points to a muscular man wearing a sports jersey.
SpOKESMAN
Really? Well, that’s still okay because your matches at Niceguysonly.com will send you daily messages questioning your relationship until you get divorced.
ASHLEY
I didn’t sign up for that.
SpokESMAN
You were chosen.
Ashley shakes her head and starts to walk away.
3.
Spokesman
He’s going to cheat on you!
Int. Bookstore - day
Spokesman wanders the aisles looking for a woman to speak to. He sees a slightly overweight woman. He grimaces and walks in the other direction.
Int. Deli - day
Spokesman sits with DIANA while she eats a sandwich.
SpokeSMAN
I’m going to show you some of the awesome men on niceguysonly.com
He hands Diana his phone.
Diana
What? Why did one of these guys just threaten to rape me?
He takes his phone back.
SPOKESMAN
You obviously didn’t message him back fast enough.
Diana rolls her eyes and continues to eat.
SpokeSMAN
You know, you should probably watch your carbs.
He bloats his face out to indicate she’s fat.
Int. Subway car - day
Spokesman holds microphone to a woman wearing headphones.
SpokESMAN
Hi there.
No response. He stares her down.
SpoKESMAN
Why wont you talk to me?
No response. He loses his patience.
4.
SpokESMAN
Why do you have to be such a cunt?
He turns away but then comes back.
SPOKESMAN
You could at least give me a hand job for putting up with you.
Int. Basement - day
The spokesman sits at his computer and logs onto Niceguysonly.com. He speaks angrily as he types in his profile.
Spokesman
All women are bitches and ugly whores. Feminism has become a plague on our society. All women are too stupid to notice a nice guy when they see one.
TITLE: NICEGUYSONLY.COM -- YOU OWE US A CHANCE.
Blackout.

Close

The Zune

LIGHTS UP on a Zune (mp3 player) standing center stage.
Zune
I’m going to give this one more shot but I know I won’t get any responses. It’s 2016, sheeple! Wake up! I’m a second generation Zune! The women should be breaking down the door to get their hands on an awesome guy like me. My current owner RACHEL won’t give me the respect I deserve so I’m looking for greener pastures.
A little about me: I’m red, I can hold a cool four gigs of music, and Rachel’s dad got me for free in a swag bag at the 2008 Republican National Convention. Special Edition! I’m pre-loaded with all the hottest hits of the summer from Jason Mraz, Soulja Boy, and Danity Kane. Which is appropriate because do you, do you, do you have a first aid kit handy because Rachel has left my heart damaged.
She listened to me for 17 minutes than tossed me aside to go to the Van’s Warped Tour? Live music? Please! What’s six hours of the Gym Class Heroes got that I don’t? I’ve got a battery that lasts 20 hours! Twenty! Count ‘em. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19--okay I lied, but it’s pretty close to twenty. That’s a quality battery!
People say Craig’s List is the easiest way to get some action, but it’s not true. I’ve seen six of those old, stupid Sony Discman come and go yet I’ve never gotten a single message. What do they have that I don’t? Anti-Skip protection? I’ve got that in spades!
I will admit, I’m not living my best Zune life right now. I’ve been stuck in Rachel’s desk drawer for the past eight years and my only friends are a rusty push pin and Rachel’s sixth grade art project of a papier-mache dolphin. Let me tell you, pointy and lumpy aren’t the best wingmen--especially for such a solid piece of machinery like myself.
2.
They keep telling me Rachel has a new iPod, but who cares? What’s he got that I don’t? A touch screen? Please. Everyone knows my squircle is a far superior method of scrolling. Oh, sorry for using my industry term. This is my squircle. You know, like when you draw a circle free-hand but it looks a bit square but you still say good enough? Because that’s what I am: GOOD ENOUGH.
So yeah, hit me up, help me leave my cheating ex Rachel and I’ll make your world a better place. Am I compatible with iTunes? No, but you can upgrade my firmware and still download stuff from XBox Music. Can I show any other cover art besides the Jackson 5’s Christmas Album? No, but that’s what reading is for. Am I the best mp3 player in the world? No, but I come from a good family. MICROSOFT, ever heard of it? I’ve got money. Let’s do this. $200 or best offer. No fatties.
BLACK OUT.

Close

Shrunk


TEASER
FADE IN:
Int. Bedroom - day
A bungalow in Logan Square, Chicago. The furniture, culled from Craig’s List, doesn’t match, is inexpensive, and in mild disrepair.
Clothes are strewn everywhere. The book case is crowded and unorganized, filled with psychology books. A TV set beyond the foot of the bed is a dumping ground for discarded cocktail napkins with numbers scrawled on them.
NATALIE WEXLER, 29, is asleep in bed. She rolls over onto her TV remote, turning it on. A condom is stuck to Natalie’s leg.
DR. CAROLINE NOVAK, 55, dressed in WASP-y perfection of pearls and Chanel, appears on the TV screen.
CAROLINE
Are you waking up in a stupor next to another nameless face? Look at you. You’re probably still drunk.
Natalie comes to and watches the TV for a moment.
CAROLINE
Is your sexual promiscuity ruining your life? Does your streak of “sexual liberation” to be controlled? Do you need my help? Life Changers wants to hear your stories--
Natalie turns the TV off in disgust. She notices AARON, late-30s, naked, sleeping next to her. She creeps out of bed and rifles through his wrinkled suit until she finds his wallet.
She looks the wallet, does a double-take at the sleeping man, takes the cash out, and throws it back on the clothes. She throws one of his shoes at him to rouse him.
NATALIE
Hey. Buddy. Come on, get up. You need to leave.
Aaron wakes up and grabs his watch from the night stand.
2.
AARON
Oh, shit. What time is it?
NATALIE
Time for you to go back to your wife and kids.
Natalie grabs yesterday’s jeans and T-shirt and throws them on.
AARON
What? I don’t have a family.
NATALIE
Right. All single men have punch cards to Chuck E. Cheese and receipts for tampons in their wallets.
She throws clothes at him and he reluctantly gets dressed.
AARON
Why did you let me come over if you knew?
NATALIE
(shrugging)
Because your Rolex told me you would keep me in top shelf drinks all night. And I didn’t feel like a challenge.
Natalie exits to her kitchen and Aaron follows her.
She opens the fridge and takes out a large bottle of cola.
Closing the door with her foot, she then opens a cupboard filled with five-hour energy shots, and takes two out. She downs the first and then puts the second one in the soda.
AARON
So you used me.
NATALIE
Used you? Please. I let you play out the fantasy of the single man for the night. I’m the one that had to deal with your sloppy overeagerness and premature ejaculation. I saw more finesse at summer camp when I was 13.
AARON
Easy, I get it.
3.
Natalie’s phone rings and she finds it on top of a large stack of bills. The phone reads: FOUR MISSED CALLS FROM GABE ADAMS. Natalie shuts the phone off.
NATALIE
And would it kill you to splurge for the tampons with applicators for your wife next time? After all, while you’re sleeping around she’s raising your kids.
AARON
What gives you the right to say that? It takes two people to have sex.
NATALIE
It’s my job.
AARON
Your job is to have sex?
NATALIE
No, to tell people like you what you’re doing wrong after you have sex. I’m a child psychologist.
AARON
You’ve got to be kidding me.
NATALIE
Not even a little.
She puts on her sunglasses and opens the front door. Aaron pulls out his wallet and notices he’s out of the money.
AARON
Dammit. Do you happen to have any cab fare?
NATALIE
I don’t pay for sex, pal.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
Int. Clinic break room - day
STUART RICHMOND, 40s, square, holds paint chips up against the wall.
4.
Natalie enters, tosses an empty big gulp in the trash and pours herself a cup of coffee. She downs it and fills the cup again.
STUART
So what do you think? Ecru, Eggshell, or do we throw everyone off by going with a slate gray?
NATALIE
What are you talking about?
STUART
Paint colors for the redesign. The new owner is insisting on it.
NATALIE
New owner?
STUART
(sighing)
Don’t you read any memos? TV guru Dr. Caroline Novak bought the practice last week--and it’s a good thing too.
NATALIE
The fuck she did.
STUART
Her name will give us the amount of business we deserve.
NATALIE
She’s going to turn it into a goddamn gift shop.
STUART
Whatever increases revenue.
NATALIE
I thought we were here to help families. Not fuck up children even more.
STUART
I think you should probably look at the new employee guidelines. Those are exactly the kinds of things we’re going to need to avoid saying.
DR. ELAND MAGNUSON, early 30s, dressed in a clown costume and face paint, enters the break room. Natalie rolls her eyes.
5.
NATALIE
Oh, jesus. John Wayne Gacy is back from the dead.
ELAND
Help me, please.
NATALIE
I’m not sure that’s possible, Eland.
ELAND
I was volunteering at the children’s clinic this morning and it turns out grease paint is a lot tougher to get off than I realized.
STUART
What is it, Dr. Magnuson?
ELAND
I have a patient that’s an iron curtain. And don’t get me started on her mom.
STUART
Natalie, you can help him, can’t you?
Natalie groans.
ELAND
You know I wouldn’t normally ask because--
NATALIE
--you Juggalos like to keep it in the family.
STUART
Natalie, it’s your job.
NATALIE
Why don’t you get your precious Dr. Novak to help you?
ELAND
Well, that’s part of the issue. The mom’s in love with Dr. Novak’s teachings.
STUART
Right up your alley then!
6.
NATALIE
Fine, but you owe me. The next time I need someone to be terrified, I’m sending him your way.
Natalie pours herself one more cup of coffee and reluctantly follows Eland into the hall.
Eland leads Natalie to his office, his enormous shoes flopping as he walks, and they stop in front of the closed door. She downs the coffee and hands the mug to Eland.
Natalie shakes her body out like she she’s getting ready for a fight, tossing her weight from side to side. She takes a few deep breaths.
NATALIE
Okay, three, two, one.
(clapping her hands together)
Let’s do this.
Int. Eland's office - continuous
Eland pushes the door open to his office. It’s bright and cheerful--a kid’s oasis filled with toys and games.
ALLISON, 12, in a school uniform, sits on the sofa silently.
Her mother, REBECCA, late 30s, uptight, sits on the opposite end of the sofa looking cross, holding Caroline’s book.
Natalie strides in, holding out her hand for Rebecca. Eland attempts to follow her in, but she shuts the door with her foot.
NATALIE
(falsely cheerful)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Wexler, but please call me Natalie. My colleague Dr. Magnuson asked me to step in. I hear we’re having trouble getting this one--
(gesturing to Allison)
--talking.
Rebecca releases some tension in her shoulders.
REBECCA
Yes, thank you. I’m glad to see this isn’t a clown college. Natalie, is it? You see, my husband and I have just been extremely worried about Allison lately. She seems so...distant.
7.
NATALIE
How so?
REBECCA
Every day for two weeks now it’s been nothing but silence. She gets home from school and goes straight to her room.
NATALIE
I see. So, Allison--
REBECCA
It’s pointless to try to talk to her. She needs to snap out of this. She tried to skip her Latin session with her tutor on Wednesday and I had to forcibly put her in the minivan for her violin lesson last night. It’s unacceptable.
NATALIE
Have you and Allison discussed the possibility that she might now like Latin or violin?
Natalie looks to Allison for cues, but she doesn’t give her anything.
REBECCA
What kind of question is that? It’s not a matter of liking it. It’s discipline.
NATALIE
This may seem like the simple solution, and Allison, correct me if I’m wrong, but maybe she’s not going because she doesn’t like it.
REBECCA
That’s the wisdom I’m paying for?
NATALIE
Sometimes the simplest solution is the best one.
8.
REBECCA
We just want what’s best for her. I’m not one of those part-time moms. I take a very active role in the upbringing of my children.
NATALIE
So maybe try actively listening to her.
Rebecca pulls Caroline’s book out of her purse. The title is RAZING KIDS.
REBECCA
Have you heard of Dr. Caroline Novak?
NATALIE
Who hasn’t?
REBECCA
We’ve been following her parenting method for years, and it’s worked wonderfully until now. There’s obviously something wrong with Allison.
NATALIE
I wouldn’t say that. Reading is good, it exercises the brain, but it won’t make you an expert. It’s kind of like how having sex doesn’t automatically make you a good parent, you know?
REBECCA
Beg your pardon?
NATALIE
All I’m saying is that it’s never a good idea to be dogmatic about any particular philosophy. Believe it or not, there are drawbacks to completely destroying a kid’s self-esteem.
REBECCA
I think too much emphasis is placed on self-esteem. It makes people lazy. We prefer to do anti-rewards.
NATALIE
Only punishing, never praising?
9.
REBECCA
So you’re familiar with it?
NATALIE
I have to be. You’re not the first person that follows this quack.
REBECCA
Everyone I know has had great results with her method.
NATALIE
I think I read somewhere that Dr. Novak’s own daughter is sex fiend and an alcoholic.
REBECCA
That couldn’t possible be true. She should sue you for saying that.
NATALIE
Believe me, she’s tried.
Rebecca looks confused.
NATALIE
Anyway, I’m going to need to speak with Allison alone if I’m going to help her.
REBECCA
I’m not going anywhere. Especially after what you--
NATALIE
Look, I can see that your insecurities are keeping you here, but that is definitely something the magnificent Dr. Novak would frown upon.
The door opens.
NATALIE
Eland, I’ve got this--
Aaron, Natalie’s one-night stand from this morning, enters and goes to kiss Rebecca on the cheek.
AARON
Hey, sorry I’m late. I ended up sleeping at the office last night.
10.
He turns to sit on the sofa between Rebecca and Allison. He and Natalie lock eyes.
AARON
Oh. Oh god.
They continue to stare at each other until Natalie snaps out of it. She extends her hand to Aaron.
NATALIE
Hi, I’m Dr. Wexler. Your daughter is my patient. You must be the dad.
Aaron gulps.
NATALIE
Cat got your tongue? Maybe Allison got her verbal skills from her dear old pops. It’s no wonder she’s not talking.
int. Bar stock room - later
GABE, late 20s, cute in an unkempt way, hauls boxes of liquor. A bell alerts him that someone’s entered the room, but he doesn’t turn around to see Natalie.
GABE
We’re closed.
NATALIE
I know. I just thought you could make an exception for me.
GABE
(whipping around)
Natalie? What are you doing here?
NATALIE
I needed to talk to someone.
GABE
I haven’t seen you in a few days. I’ve missed you.
NATALIE
All to make you want me more.
GABE
Well, it’s working.
11.
NATALIE
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I got this new patient this morning, and it turns out that I slept with her father.
GABE
Wait, what?
NATALIE
Yeah, last night.
GABE
You said you had plans.
Natalie shrugs.
GABE
Why are you telling me this?
NATALIE
Because I need to get it off my chest. Maybe you can give me some advice.
GABE
I don’t want to hear about this.
NATALIE
I’m being serious, Gabe.
GABE
Me too. Isn’t there an ethics board or something you should be going to?
NATALIE
And risk losing my job? Especially now since that monster Novak bought the practice.
Gabe raises an eyebrow.
NATALIE
I don’t know if I should keep treating her. I know I can help her though.
GABE
Then what’s the problem?
NATALIE
It still feels wrong.
12.
GABE
Then maybe you should stop fucking random guys so it doesn’t happen again.
That stings.
NATALIE
Whoa. Where’d that come from?
GABE
(shrugging his shoulders)
Look, I don’t really want to hear about your drunken escapades. I’d rather not know.
NATALIE
I thought we were cool.
GABE
Yeah, well, maybe we’re not.
Natalie looks confused and holds her head in her hands.
Please contact me if you would like a PDF of the entire script.

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The Key to my Hap-penis

A live storytelling performance of what makes me happy that was recorded as part of a story slam about awkward sex stories.

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Sky Bar

Sky Bar

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My Grandma's Organ

For Sale: Lowrey Royale Organ $5000 OBO

Do you love instruments you can’t transport without a two-man team? Do you wish you could have church sermons in your living room? Have you ever wondered what the theme of The Godfather sounds like when sung by a synthesized harp?

My grandmother passed away and left me this monstrosity of a machine. Over the course of a year in Florida she bought and traded in twelve organs before settling on this bad boy for $75,000. Organ salesmen are known for preying on old ladies by wining and dining them at Old Country Buffet before taking them to late-afternoon concerts (11:00am) of electronic organ music held in Ballroom C of the Naples, Florida Marriot. If that couldn’t seal the deal, they rub Grandma’s back until she writes a check.

These keyboards with a thyroid problem retain their retail value worse than a Kia after it leaves the car lot. Guess what, she also had one of those but that went to my cousin. This organ can be used to play music, but there are many other great things about it.

Features include:

  • Applause Button: If you’re having a bad day and need a self-esteem boost, just hit that applause button and you’ll feel like Wayne Newton after a night in Vegas.

  • Roll-top Cover: It keeps the dust out, but also you can pretend it’s a desk when it’s closed if you’re too ashamed to admit you bought an organ.

  • Thousands of pre-sets: Amaze your family and friends by playing what sounds like very elaborate melodies without having your fingers touch the keys once.

  • Lots of Colorful Lights: This thing lights up like a cockpit when you turn it on and you can pretend you’re flying into the Fort Lauderdale Airport all day long.

Do the specifications of this thing really matter? I don’t know what most of it does and I guarantee Grandma didn’t either. This thing has a floppy disk drive. Your guess is as good as mine as to why.

Hurry and this 513-pound beauty could be yours! If you act now, I’ll throw in all 37 large-print music books she owned. Why have one arrangement of “Edelweiss” when you can have 20?

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